Deciding to travel seemed like a brilliant idea, but as soon as I stepped through my front door, doubt, and anxiety washed over me like a tsunami. The point of no return was already behind me, so I tightened my grip on my bag, determined, and continued on my way. This journey promised to be an opportunity to rediscover myself, but instead, it revealed my tendency to avoid my responsibilities.
To tell the truth, the main purpose of this trip was to get away from home, simply because I was at an impasse as to what decision to make… I imagined that traveling would guide me toward a solution, but as I discovered places as varied as they were beautiful, I realized that I was moving further away from making that decision. It was like a vicious circle that, strangely enough, seemed to suit me perfectly.
The first time I really became aware of this was during my trip to the south of France, to the ancient city of the Popes, Avignon. I would never have thought of going there on my own, let alone by myself. Yet, the two days I spent there were strangely pleasant. The city seduced me to the point where I found myself imagining a future there. The two cities I'd visited previously hadn't given me such a feeling, although they did their job of helping me temporarily forget the reason I'd left in the first place. But Avignon… Ah, Avignon, that was a different experience altogether.
I was strolling along in typical tourist fashion when my eyes caught sight of a group of workers, obviously, judging by their well-tailored suits, business executives. They were just sitting on the terrace, sharing a conversation and a meal. An ordinary lunch break, the kind you see everywhere. And yet… My heart suddenly raced, and I was gripped by terror. Anguish overcame me. I froze in place. Without thinking, I escaped again. I returned to the hotel and stayed there until the next day.
The morning that followed was peaceful, the alleyways deserted at that early hour. The enchanting beauty of the city persisted, but the anguish I still felt prevented me from taking full advantage of it. By evening, I was already aboard a train bound for a city chosen at random, a destination that had managed to pique my curiosity.
My journey to Bretagne marked the second place where reality caught up with me, squeezing my heart a little tighter. I'd been on the run for two weeks already, and except for the incident in Avignon, everything was going swimmingly. Bretagne had always been on my list of places to explore one day, and it seemed the time had come. The wind-swept beaches, teeming cities, and dark forests made for such a refreshingly different canvas from anything I knew.
As I ventured deeper into the forest, between the majestic trees and winding paths, a furtive movement caught my attention. My pace slowed instinctively, my eyes scanning my surroundings. Then a gleam of brilliant fur emerged from the nearby bushes. It was an otter, a mischievous and elusive creature. She stared at me with her keen eyes, water beading on her silky coat. For a brief moment, our gazes met, capturing the magic of that moment. Then, with a fluid glide, she returned to the nearby river, leaving behind a trail of joy in the mystical calm of the forest. But this magical moment was short-lived.
When I reached the nearest town, reality hit me once again. My eyes fell on a person, from behind, concentrating on the stall in front of her. Almost as if she felt my gaze on her neck, she turned abruptly and locked eyes with me. For a moment, the rest of the world dissipated, the bustling crowd, the colorful stalls, even the caress of the wind on my skin. Nothing else mattered but her and me. When a smile appeared on her face, intense fear swept over me, urging me to escape again. Wherever I went, it seemed as if fate was stalking me. This person, the relaxed executives on the terrace, everything seemed to be pushing me towards my decision. I'd run away for a reason, but why couldn't they understand that and stop finding me ?! I wasn't ready. Would I ever be?
I knew that running wouldn't make any difference, that no matter where I went, they'd hunt me down again. Yet, I chose to escape once again. Lost in a maelstrom of uncertainty, my options seemed limited. Paris became my ultimate destination, my last hope of finding a moment of peace and, perhaps, finally making a decision. Faced with a destiny that seemed to be chasing me, all I could do was face up to my responsibilities, even if I felt unprepared. Sometimes you just have to let go, and for me, Paris offered that opportunity.
There was one thing I'd never dared do in Paris: climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower. My dizziness was an integral part of me, and I imagined that fate was aware of it, leaving me to hope that it wouldn't track me down. The climb proved tumultuous and far more nerve-wracking than anything I'd faced before. But the sense of satisfaction and pride when I finally reached the top was unparalleled. The breathtaking view reminded me why I was so determined to stay in France in the first place – it was for these precious moments, which I felt were worth it.
How long did I spend up there, contemplating the city, drowning in my thoughts, reliving the last few weeks over and over again? the dilemmas, the choices to be made, the hesitations. My departure was not motivated by a desire to gain perspective or reflect, but rather by a frantic flight from my responsibilities. Yet, this escape could not go on; I had to make a decision.
“Angèle, it's time.”
A voice behind me broke my train of thought. I turned around and realized that I was almost alone now, as the heights of the Eiffel Tower were no longer as crowded as before. I'd thought fate wouldn't find me so high up, but I was wrong. Fate had chosen to send me Ali, the same person who had smiled at me in Bretagne. Her short brown hair swept across her forehead, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Ali… I know.”
Ali's outstretched hand was suspended in the air, her eyes fixed on me with patience. I inhaled deeply before grasping her hand. She was right, the time had come for me to make a choice.
With a knowing smile, we began our descent of the Eiffel Tower.
For Alizée…
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